diff --git a/src/common/assert.cpp b/src/common/assert.cpp
index e2c2cade3f..e6be671865 100644
--- a/src/common/assert.cpp
+++ b/src/common/assert.cpp
@@ -1,21 +1,35 @@
+// SPDX-FileCopyrightText: Copyright 2025 Eden Emulator Project
+// SPDX-License-Identifier: GPL-3.0-or-later
 // SPDX-FileCopyrightText: Copyright 2021 yuzu Emulator Project
 // SPDX-License-Identifier: GPL-2.0-or-later
 
 #include "common/assert.h"
 #include "common/common_funcs.h"
 #include "common/logging/backend.h"
-
 #include "common/settings.h"
 
-void assert_fail_impl() {
+#ifdef _MSC_VER
+extern "C" {
+__declspec(dllimport) void __stdcall DebugBreak(void);
+}
+#endif
+void AssertFailSoftImpl() {
     if (Settings::values.use_debug_asserts) {
         Common::Log::Stop();
-        Crash();
+#ifndef _MSC_VER
+#   if defined(ARCHITECTURE_x86_64)
+        __asm__ __volatile__("int $3");
+#   elif defined(ARCHITECTURE_arm64)
+        __asm__ __volatile__("brk #0");
+#   else
+        exit(1);
+#   endif
+#else // POSIX ^^^ _MSC_VER vvv
+        DebugBreak();
+#endif
     }
 }
-
-[[noreturn]] void unreachable_impl() {
+void AssertFatalImpl() {
     Common::Log::Stop();
-    Crash();
-    throw std::runtime_error("Unreachable code");
+    std::abort();
 }
diff --git a/src/common/assert.h b/src/common/assert.h
index 67e7e93751..93965c2ec9 100644
--- a/src/common/assert.h
+++ b/src/common/assert.h
@@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
+// SPDX-FileCopyrightText: Copyright 2025 Eden Emulator Project
+// SPDX-License-Identifier: GPL-3.0-or-later
+
 // SPDX-FileCopyrightText: 2013 Dolphin Emulator Project
 // SPDX-FileCopyrightText: 2014 Citra Emulator Project
 // SPDX-License-Identifier: GPL-2.0-or-later
@@ -10,8 +13,8 @@
 // However touching this file yields a global recompilation as this header is included almost
 // everywhere. So let's just move the handling of the failed assert to a single cpp file.
 
-void assert_fail_impl();
-[[noreturn]] void unreachable_impl();
+void AssertFailSoftImpl();
+[[noreturn]] void AssertFatalImpl();
 
 #ifdef _MSC_VER
 #define YUZU_NO_INLINE __declspec(noinline)
@@ -22,29 +25,29 @@ void assert_fail_impl();
 #define ASSERT(_a_)                                                                                \
     ([&]() YUZU_NO_INLINE {                                                                        \
         if (!(_a_)) [[unlikely]] {                                                                 \
-            LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Assertion Failed!");                                              \
-            assert_fail_impl();                                                                    \
+            LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Assert");                                              \
+            AssertFailSoftImpl();                                                                    \
         }                                                                                          \
     }())
 
 #define ASSERT_MSG(_a_, ...)                                                                       \
     ([&]() YUZU_NO_INLINE {                                                                        \
         if (!(_a_)) [[unlikely]] {                                                                 \
-            LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Assertion Failed!\n" __VA_ARGS__);                                \
-            assert_fail_impl();                                                                    \
+            LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Assert\n" __VA_ARGS__);                                \
+            AssertFailSoftImpl();                                                                    \
         }                                                                                          \
     }())
 
 #define UNREACHABLE()                                                                              \
     do {                                                                                           \
-        LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Unreachable code!");                                                  \
-        unreachable_impl();                                                                        \
+        LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Unreachable");                                                  \
+        AssertFatalImpl();                                                                        \
     } while (0)
 
 #define UNREACHABLE_MSG(...)                                                                       \
     do {                                                                                           \
-        LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Unreachable code!\n" __VA_ARGS__);                                    \
-        unreachable_impl();                                                                        \
+        LOG_CRITICAL(Debug, "Unreachable\n" __VA_ARGS__);                                    \
+        AssertFatalImpl();                                                                        \
     } while (0)
 
 #ifdef _DEBUG
diff --git a/src/common/common_funcs.h b/src/common/common_funcs.h
index 2b8a63bd27..639c2d0e0d 100644
--- a/src/common/common_funcs.h
+++ b/src/common/common_funcs.h
@@ -32,27 +32,9 @@
 #define INSERT_PADDING_WORDS_NOINIT(num_words)                                                     \
     [[maybe_unused]] std::array<u32, num_words> CONCAT2(pad, __LINE__)
 
-#ifndef _MSC_VER
-
-#if defined(ARCHITECTURE_x86_64)
-#define Crash() __asm__ __volatile__("int $3")
-#elif defined(ARCHITECTURE_arm64)
-#define Crash() __asm__ __volatile__("brk #0")
-#else
-#define Crash() exit(1)
-#endif
-
-#else // _MSC_VER
-
-// Locale Cross-Compatibility
-#define locale_t _locale_t
-
-extern "C" {
-__declspec(dllimport) void __stdcall DebugBreak(void);
-}
-#define Crash() DebugBreak()
-
-#endif // _MSC_VER ndef
+#ifdef _MSC_VER
+#   define locale_t _locale_t // Locale Cross-Compatibility
+#endif // _MSC_VER
 
 #define DECLARE_ENUM_FLAG_OPERATORS(type)                                                          \
     [[nodiscard]] constexpr type operator|(type a, type b) noexcept {                              \